she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
