i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
