Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
