She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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