i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
