I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
