So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
