put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
