I hate all girls vehemently.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
