Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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