plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
