fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Life is so much better after having sex.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
