So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You made out with two different species that night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
