woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
