My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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