Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
