my phone needs a breathalizer
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
