I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
