He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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