My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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