I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
