remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
