I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
