I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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