she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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