forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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