im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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