Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
