Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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