My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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