Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
