So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
