If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
