I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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