cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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