A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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