I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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