She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
