You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
