I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
