There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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