Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
