duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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