I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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