Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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