Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
