He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
