final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
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