well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
