You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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