I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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