Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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