Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
