just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
