Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
