so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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