it wasn't lemon gatorade
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
